I mean don’t get me wrong, I am deeply thankful for where I am but I have to say my life could be so much better, I was laying in bed last night unable to sleep and this thought just popped into my head and I had to say that well, yeah it could be.
Are you sure?
Well I think so, I believe so, I guess I hope so because that way I can still live my life the way I want to live it, if I have a hope of being able to be a better person, right?
Hmm, I am not entirely convinced of that argument.
Well lets put it like this: if I didn’t think I could change then that would send me into a spiral that would end up with me facing the black dog face first, but if I believe I could be living a better life then there is still hope that I could, I can still change if necessary. It’s kind of like I am running a marathon but the only other competitor is myself, next to me. Sometimes I am running head of him, other times (okay, most of the time) he is running ahead of me. But we are intricately linked, we are one and the same. What is me is him and what is him is me, we are one, right?
But aren’t you just holding back then? Unwilling to change because you have the illusion of escape?
Not quite, I disagree with you there.
Perfectly welcome too.
I should hope so.
But still, you must see that that way of thinking leads nowhere.
Not to me, it gives me form, function and an imagination to escape and, most importantly, the hope that I can change if I deemed it necessary.
No, I am still not quite getting you. If you are unhappy in your life then surely you need to identify where and why and then start to change it into something that you want in your life rather then thinking you are getting it somewhere else.
Ah but no, you fundamentally misunderstand me.
So it is the option that you could change, if you really wanted to, but you don’t want to because your life runs parallel to this imagined other self that is living a life that you do not?
Hmm not quite but you are getting closer.
Well what is there to understand? If your other self is running parallel to yourself, the physical and mental self I see before me now, then why would you live in his shadow as it where, why would you continue knowing that you will never be as fulfilled as the imagined self?
Ah no, you are getting further from what I feel.
Right… So is your life validated by the fact that you measure yourself to an imagined standard of a life not led?
You are getting closer!
Ha, well at least we are getting somewhere.
I should hope so, this isn’t cheap.
Oh ignore the clock, it runs only to itself.
Glad to hear it.
You should be.
Say, what are your plans for Christmas?
Now, now, you know that this is not about me, not about my family and what we are going to do (you know, the typical family get together, meal and present-swapping and no doubt we’ll play some parlour games, catch up with the older senile relatives…) wait, wait, this is not about me. What are YOU planning to do in the festive period?
Oh I don’t know, I may make the journey home. 6 hours on the interstate you know, it is a long journey but, well it would be good to go back, to see the old place, the old bars where we used to drink and laugh.
Are you sure that is a good idea?
I think so, otherwise I’d just be staying here, waiting around for nothing in particular. At least back home I could pay my respects to my Ma and Pa, give the stones a quick rub, make sure they are clean and looked after. Could even drop by on my sister and see how her and her family are doing.
Now now, we know that really isn’t an option is it? Remember what they said. She needs time.
Oh I know, I guess I just thought I’d be ready.
Anyway, tell me more about your parallel life.
I’ve already mentioned it enough, do we have to go back over that?
No I guess not, I think I have the idea in my head now.
Good, lets talk about something else.
Okay, tell me about your friends.
Well my friends are good, got a tight group you know. We see each other often, hang out, have a few beers and so on.
Well, I guess I feel that they sometimes make decisions for me, that they think are decisions that are the best for me, but they do not consult me, they don’t even tell me half the time, I find out by accident, or they’ll think I can’t do something because of my addiction and I’m just not consulted. It’s like I’m a ghost that is talked about, I’m peripheral.
Hmm, well tell me more…
I will, I will.